Boro Mania

Dearest Relegation,

How I have missed you.

We were love's young dream, once. We were inseparable.

Needless to say, we had our ups and down. I cheated on you, with your prettier twin sister, Promotion. I lived the highlife, rubbing shoulders with the biggest names in football. Back in '97, after a whirlwind romance, Promotion and I were all set to consummate our relationship.

The planned celebrations though, were ruined. In front of all our friends and families at Wembley, you showed up and spoilt the day. You managed to do it twice. We didn't speak for a while. I tried to get back with your sister, but she spurned my advances. She even took out a 3-point injunction to make it clear we were finished.

In the end, how could I resist?

I came back to you. And to be honest, I loved it. You were always more fun. You were dirtier, less wrapped up in yourself and, to be frank, you were easy. I got rid of my big-name mates, and we got some new friends. Yeah, we lived a pretty wild life for that year, but with a social circle including Bryan Robson, Paul Merson and Gazza, how could you not?

It was a year of bliss, flirting outrageously in the Cup, romping at the top of the table. The wild abandon, the thrill of winning regularly, having fun with good friends like Craig Hignett, Marco Branca and even that Mikkel Beck, who we never really liked that much. I remember how we giggled like children when Hamilton Ricard finally scored, off his arse.

You can't live like that for long, though, and I had no time for nostalgia. Promotion came back on the scene, and lured me back to the big-time. I gave up the reckless life we had enjoyed, to settle back in to higher society. Promotion and I worked hard on our relationship, and in 2004 we finally did it. We cemented our union in Cardiff, and this made us both happy.

Offspring followed, with two European seasons in two years. Our success was unbridled and we were all very happy. But, recently the wheels have started to come off.

To be honest, I've often thought of you. In the times when Promotion was giving me a hard time, and I'd taken a few beatings, I thought maybe I'll go back to Relegation.

Promotion is hard work, she is high maintenance. She spends all my money. She isn't really in to any of the 'fun stuff' any more. I got a result at the weekend, and I thought: 'Here we go, happy days are back.' Then I get all fired up for a bit of Wednesday night lovin' and she slaps me down. Hard.

You've never let me down like that. Every time I've been with you, you've pandered to my every whim. You always let me come out on top. Will it still be like that if we get together again?

I won't miss Promotion. I won't miss seeing our European dreams grow up in to adulthood. Truth is I probably wasn't ready to have them anyway. I'm better off without them. I can be a free man. You and me can have all the fun and none of the responsibility. We can relive our youth.

Anyway, hopefully I'll see you soon.

Yours, as always,

Your star-crossed lover, Middlesbrough Football Club

PS I really won't miss Promotion. Sure she's pretty, and she's well connected, but she's no fun anymore. I won't miss her. Honest.

PPS I give it 12 months before I'm calling the marriage guidance councillor, and the Child Support Agency (maybe I could have some weekend access to top-flight glory?)